title: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK by: Mark Manson published: 2016 read: 2023-08 preview

A lesson in reinforcement learning: this is a book about cost functions. Basically it says, never use a cost function which you cannot influence directly. Like, trying to maximise other people liking you.

But did I ever tell you I do not like such books? Self-healing books are the worst of all non-fiction, methinks. But then, I read this as a recommendation, or a challenge of sorts, or what-have-you; suffice to say, I read this book.

But as self-help guides go, this is not the worst of them all. It’s boring, yes, but not the worst.

I even marked some sentences. For instance this one, which I liked (but is not Manson, of course):
Aristotle wrote, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

But quoting that one will put you on a goose chase; that’s not the central topic of the book. This one is better, which is basically about, well, choose your values:
Learn to sustain the pain you’ve chosen. When you choose a new value, you are choosing to introduce a new form of pain into your life. Relish it. Savor it. Welcome it with open arms. Then act despite it.

And a few lines later,
Even when you think you do, you really don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. So really, what is there to lose?

And finally, Ernest Becker. This is a reference to a book written by Becker, The Denial of Death from 1974. Pulitzer prize, too. Manson summarises it as follows:
The Denial of Death essentially makes two points:
1.    Humans are unique in that we’re the only animals that can conceptualize and think about ourselves abstractly. Dogs don’t sit around and worry about their career. Cats don’t think about their past mistakes or wonder what would have happened if they’d done something differently. Monkeys don’t argue over future possibilities, just as fish don’t sit around wondering if other fish would like them more if they had longer fins. As humans, we’re blessed with the ability to imagine ourselves in hypothetical situations, to contemplate both the past and the future, to imagine other realities or situations where things might be different. And it’s because of this unique mental ability, Becker says, that we all, at some point, become aware of the inevitability of our own death. Because we’re able to conceptualize alternate versions of reality, we are also the only animal capable of imagining a reality without ourselves in it. This realization causes what Becker calls “death terror,” a deep existential anxiety that underlies everything we think or do.
2.   Becker’s second point starts with the premise that we essentially have two “selves.” The first self is the physical self—the one that eats, sleeps, snores, and poops. The second self is our conceptual self—our identity, or how we see ourselves. Becker’s argument is this: We are all aware on some level that our physical self will eventually die, that this death is inevitable, and that its inevitability—on some unconscious level—scares the shit out of us. Therefore, in order to compensate for our fear of the inevitable loss of our physical self, we try to construct a conceptual self that will live forever. This is why people try so hard to put their names on buildings, on statues, on spines of books. It’s why we feel compelled to spend so much time giving ourselves to others, especially to children, in the hopes that our influence—our conceptual self—will last way beyond our physical self. That we will be remembered and revered and idolized long after our physical self ceases to exist.

And finally:
Becker later came to a startling realization on his deathbed: that people’s immortality projects were actually the problem, not the solution; that rather than attempting to implement, often through lethal force, their conceptual self across the world, people should question their conceptual self and become more comfortable with the reality of their own death.

Maybe you already got it, what this book is about: Don’t take yourself too seriously. You’re just one of many. And you can’t be on highs all the time.

Bing summary: “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” is a 2016 nonfiction self-help book by American blogger and author Mark Manson. The book covers Manson’s belief that life’s struggles give it meaning and argues that typical self-help books offer meaningless positivity which is neither practical nor helpful, thus improperly approaching the problems many individuals face. The book argues that individuals should seek to find meaning through what they find to be important and only engage in values that they can control. Values (such as popularity) that are not under a person’s control are, according to the book, ‘bad values’. Furthermore, individuals should strive to replace these uncontrollable values with things they have the capability to change, such as punctuality, honesty, or kindness. Manson further cautions against claiming certainty about knowledge that is out of one’s grasp, especially in the case of attempting to leave a legacy. Meaning can be found when one seeks to create joy in the moment for oneself and those around as opposed to being concerned with building a body of work as a legacy.

Couldn’t have said it Didn’t say it better myself.

I do not like the book. I did not like the book before I started it. And still, I think I need to have a go at it again.